Honest Relationship: Proven Tips Beginner Couples Should Know

honest relationship

What entails an honest relationship? And if you have caught yourself lying in a relationship, what triggered the lie? 

Ideally, everyone wants to be virtuous, but not everyone wants to practice the virtue of honesty in their relationships. As you are reading this piece, take a moment right now, and examine your relationship? Do you think you have been honest with your partner? From childhood unto our adulthood, our parents bred us to know that lying is bad. 

An honest relationship entails being honest with your partner at all times. By being open to each other, you create a loving environment that is healthy and long-lasting.  According to Depaulo, author of the book Detection of Lies in Forensic Concepts, people perceive individuals with the highest number of lies as irresponsible, manipulative, and are hyper-conscious of other people’s thoughts. Besides, they are more extroverted than people who tell fewer lies. 

Between you and your partner, who lies the most? You know the answer best. 

Keeping Things Honest in Your Relationship 

Honesty in a relationship entails being authentic and transparent with your partner on issues, including the ones you feel are most insignificant. We live in a real world, and it helps when you are more real than living in fantasy. 

It’s understandable that you all come from different backgrounds and each one has their own perception of life. For you to build a thriving relationship, it’s important that you share your different perceptions and build one out of the two. 

To achieve an honest relationship, you and your partner will need to implement important practices that involve speaking the truth, not intentionally omitting information, never intentionally misleading them from the truth. 

Why Practise Honesty in Your Relationship?

I will be straight to the point: It’s the only way you can have an intense and intimate relationship with someone. Relationships that thrive on lies seldom last for long, and if they do, it takes a lot of effort to build the trust back. 

Also, for the two of you to build a meaningful relationship, that is full of trust, honesty has to be part of the foundation. A simple way for someone to trust you is to show that you can be honest with them. 

Anyone in a functional relationship will attest to the fact that a healthy relationship comes from building and maintaining an open and honest communication with your significant other. 

At this point, it’s important to mention that you will also have to exercise some discretion as you attempt to be an honest partner in your relationship. Being honest shouldn’t make you rude, unkind, or insensitive with the truth. 

What Honesty is Not 

Truth sometimes hurts, and you shouldn’t use it intentionally to harm your partner. You can package and deliver it in a more sensible way.  Now, honesty is not revealing everything you feel and think. Because you feel your friend or acquaintance is hotter than your partner, you will not tell that to them, won’t you? 

Be truthfully honest and not brutally honest. I’m learning this myself. 

Similarly, you may have issues you feel not comfortable bringing them out to your partner. It’s okay to feel that way, however, you need to let them understand how you feel. They will understand you better and will put you at ease to talk about it. 

There should be no secrets in relationships. That’s what marriage counselors keep telling us repeatedly. But as a partner in the relationship, you may have some confidential information from a third party that you don’t feel comfortable sharing with your partner. It’s important that you share your concerns with your partner and let them understand why the information you have is confidential. 

The Three Forms of Lies: White, Real, and Gray 

According to Erin M. Bryant (Trinity University,2008) there are three types of lies: The white lie, Real and Gray. Of the three, the white lie is the most common. According to the research, white lies lack malicious intent and people often use them with a benevolent intent or to convey a partial truth. 

For instance, you could be sick and resting, but you tell your partner you aren’t to prevent them from worrying. White lies have trivial consequences, and people always prefer using them because they find them harmless. 

A similar case could be when the wife tells the husband she enjoyed his meal because she knows there will be no consequences to it. . 

What about grey lies? These are beyond white lies, hmmm? But you can’t categorize them as actual lies yet. On the same knot, you can’t use the parameters you used to define white lies to define the gray ones. 

Byrant broke down gray lies into two categories: The ambiguous gray lies  and the justifiable gray lies. 

Ambiguous gray lies are completely false, but you could use them to help someone. For example, telling a full-blown lie to your boss or employer to cover your colleague. So they have gray areas because to one party it could be a lie, while to the other party it isn’t. In the case of justifiable lies, they could be real lies, but justified within certain reasons. 

A justifiable lie is one that you completely fabricate to protect yourself or the other person from dire consequences. In the context of a romantic relationship, what do you think could qualify as a perfect example? 🙂

According to Byrant, Real lies are ““unacceptable lies that are malicious, self serving, complete fabrications of the truth, that hold serious consequences”

Let’s face it, as humans we are prone to mistakes over and over and we use these lie types unknowingly to cover our asses. The question is, which of the three types of lies and their consequences are you and your partner comfortable living with? 

Think about it as you navigate your honest relationship journey. 

How to Practise Honesty

1. Express How You Feel

Which is easier? Expressing how you feel or bottling yourself up? It does you more good than harm when you speak rather than shutting up. Honest communication with your partner saves them the trouble of having to second guess your thoughts or next move. 

Sometimes men find it difficult expressing themselves. You say, “I would rather avoid confrontation”. Well, speaking up does not outright lead to confrontation. It’s healthier for you, as it will help you avoid resenting your partner and forming a history lesson. 

Have you ever reminded your partner what he/she did a year back? They may never be in a position to answer because they never remember the nitty-gritty of the event. It helps to always express how you feel. 

2. Communicate Effectively

An open, honest communication is good but effective communication is far much better. To communicate effectively and understand the feelings and thoughts of your partner better:

  • Make use of “I” statements 
  • Be clear about your thoughts and feelings
  • Be open-minded 
  • Avoid defensive listening
  • Validate each other’s feelings 

3. Know Yourself

To practice honesty better, it pays to understand yourself. You won’t be good at maintaining an honest relationship if you don’t know about you. Take a step back and separate yourself from people’s opinions and the perception of society on you. 

If by any chance, you embraced a harmful personality that doesn’t reflect you, then you need to drop it for the sake of being honest about your relationship with your partner. 

Conclusion

An honest relationship is achievable. If you are a young couple and just starting out, embrace honest practices in your union and your relationship will go far. Everyone wants to be virtuous, but not everyone wants to put in the hard work that reflects virtue. Regarding honesty in your relationship, practice honesty by speaking the truth, not intentionally omitting information and not misleading your partner about the truth. If you found this piece helpful or feel you want to put your thoughts into it, let me know in the comments below. 

Stay positive with honest relationships. 

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Is the Marriage Institution Under Siege? (Part 2)

Previously in an earlier post, I talked about how the young and unmarried in society are being fed bad and negative information concerning marriage.  The end result is that the young start seeing marriage as a no-go zone but an institution riddled with infidelity, divorce, and violence.

You need to look at God’s original plan for marriage before you choose to walk down that path. 

In fact, some have argued that marriage goes against the natural instincts of man. But surely, shouldn’t there be a guiding principle about human romantic relationships?

About a week ago, I happened to attend a men’s seminar. The topic of marriage took center stage with the men spewing a tirade of complaints about their significant other not being up to the task.

Some of the complaints men mentioned included:

  • Poor hygiene; this was highly blamed on young mothers who leave the young ones to urinate on the master bed or sofa.
  • Short notice on matters that need urgent attention for example when foodstuffs in the house are depleted
  • Sharing of responsibilities in the house;  one participant narrated how a man was humiliated by his wife after she sent their son to go ask him to go prepare the evening meal. Their son presented the request to his dad while in the company of other men. It is needless to say it was so embarrassing to the man ( It was evident that in this home, there was a duty roaster for preparing meals)
  • Men also complained how their women are not quick to dress the way they want them to which forces them to satisfy their eyes on other women.

That said, you need to understand that every marriage has its own fights that can be very well managed and these are just some that were mentioned by men who attended the above-mentioned seminar.

Listening keenly to the proceedings of the said day, it was apparent to me that many factors come in to play about how issues are handled in a  marriage.

Factors that came to mind include;

  • Your spouse level of education
  • Their  relationship with God
  • Their level of maturity
  • How well spouses know each other. It is possible that two people could be living together yet do not know each other.

A few men in the seminar had also been accompanied by their wives. Being women, they were on the receiving end of the day’s discussions and could not bring themselves to merely listen but had to voice their side of things too.

Some women complained that the men always have high expectations and demand too much from them. Are they justified?

At one point, we all went back to the drawing board, the Bible, in the book of Genesis 2.20 where God dialogues about creating a suitable helper for man.

While we all agreed that woman was created as a helper and companion to man; which means man can handle virtually every responsibility in the home except for child delivery and breastfeeding a line had to be drawn between what responsibilities the man and woman should manage in the house.

However, love knows no limits and many couples are known to go beyond this cut out responsibilities in the name of love. Besides, physical complications or sickness could also rub off the line on the issue of duties.

African Traditional  Culture,  clearly differentiated responsibilities between the boy and the girl child. Boys were raised to take on roles that demanded a lot of physical energy and bravery such as digging, building, hunting and taking care of livestock.

On the other hand, the girl child was raised to be a woman of virtue and take responsibility in the home. Some of the duties they undertook included preparing meals, fetching water and firewood, cleaning among other responsibilities.

On the contrary, time is of the essence, and for a fact, we live in the modern age dispensation where you hear of the miss independents and senior bachelors. The Western culture has also taken shape so rapidly in the African setting and couples sometimes find themselves lost on how to conduct and carry themselves about in their marriage.

From the issues mentioned above, a marriage lies in the hands of the two people who made the life-changing choice of living together, and it’s only them who will find a way of navigating through the storms that will come along.

 

 

 

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Facts You Should Know About Dating

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Image credit: pixabay.com

I have occasionally attended youth retreats for schools, churches and colleges and whenever the topic of dating comes up, there is usually a wave of excitement that fills the air. Why this topic creates a lot of excitement in young men and women beats understanding. Interestingly, I realize that there are three key things that can greatly make people excited and curious. These things are namely: food, love and money. You will agree with me that I am 100% damn right on this.

It is important for youths to understand that dating involves matters of the heart and that they shall approach it with uttermost respect and the attention it deserves. Unfortunately, very few would care to learn about the fundamentals of dating. Conversely, they will learn about dating through a hands on approach. Do not get me wrong; I am not being judgmental. Besides experimenting with dating, they will also pick one or two clues from romantic movies and make them a reality. However, it is better to make things right in the first place than be sorry later.

Let us get to the core of things by talking more about dating. Dating is defined as a consistent appointment between two people of the opposite sex (though am meant to understand that there is dating of same sex nowadays) with the intention of knowing more about each other by assessing each other’s suitability for marriage. That said, note that there are two types of dating namely:

  • One on One Dating and
  • Group dating

One on one dating involves two single people going out on a date and spending time together to know more about each other. On the other hand, group dating involves a clique of single men, women organizing, and going out on a date with the aim of forming ties for a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage.

Definitions aside, problems begin when Jacob, a church choir member is seeing both Nancy and Mercy. Oooh My! You do not want to be the caught up in that mess. It feels heroic when Jacob knows that he can comfortably oscillate between two women. However, trouble begins when one day Nancy picks up Jacob’s phone. Incidentally, a message pops into the text box from a contact saved us msee wa makaa (charcoal seller). I see no problem in that. Everything is perfectly fine until when Nancy is tempted to scroll  the phone and open the text box. Wololo! I am not a Maraga but I can tell you freely that this is going to be a tough petition to be heard by I do not know whom. The content of the text message reads like “Bae unafanya? Nakufeel tu sana…”  (what are you upto baby?..feeling you so much)

Such like the above scenario are common to many reading this post. A majority of young men and women can relate to the story with laughter-filled mouths, probably because they heard about it somewhere or they were the villain themselves,breaking somebody’s heart in the process.  .

We need to understand that when it comes to dating, there are three groups of daters.

  • Never Daters

They are hardly seen with women and they do not date at all.

  • Ever Daters

They are always dating with different women at different times. You will never hear of them being single but go through break ups occasionally.

  • Healthy Daters

They date one partner at a particular period.

Most importantly, let us accept the fact that marriage was created and ordained by God. As such, God will only approve a relationship that gives glory and honour unto him. Unfortunately, some youths I know of have trivialized the bible as an archaic book that has no moral authority to dictate to them how they should live. Sadly, they have made movie stars (superficial characters that do not live the life they portray on television) their heroes. This is not to say that movie stars are bad people. In the mean time, click here for successful tips on dating.

This post is a dedication to all the single young men and women hoping to date someday.

Kindly read, share and leave a comment. You might bless a soul somewhere.

 

                                                                                     

A World of Two.


​In the tik tak of time,

Two hearts savoured the time

To breakdown the love chemistry

That was engulfed in a world of mystery.

Stone upon stone the first chapter began.

Mother nature silently witnessing all under the sun

Unknown strange birds became known love birds.

Even hell with its oven could not burn it up

Neither the universe with its mystery shake it up.

Coz a beautiful lass had met a handsome lad

Not only did outer beauty define them but more of  inner beauty resonated well with them.

Chrysanthemums blossomed in celebration of the old age commandment

That is always climaxed by a God given covenant.

In the presence of a multitude

That yearn to let go their solitude.